Better Sex Starts Here
A roadmap to open, honest sexual communication.
People constantly want me to answer how they can have better sex. But “better sex” doesn’t really tell me anything. I want you to dig a little deeper - what does “better sex” mean to you? Do you want it to be more consistent, pleasurable, satisfying, exciting, enjoyable? Once you’ve narrowed that down, my best advice is to talk about the sex you’re having. And I’ll tell you how to do so and why this is so important.
Most people aren't talking about the sex they're having. Or if they are, it's not with the person (or people) they're having sex with! Talking to friends can feel cathartic or somewhat helpful, but it won’t be as useful as talking to your partner(s) about your sex life.
Here are four reasons you’ll want to open up a regular discussion with your partner(s).
1. Prioritizes Your Sex Life
Having regular discussions about your sex life reflects that this is is a priority in your partnership. It creates a safe space where you and your partner(s) can discuss your needs, desires, and experiences around intimacy.
2. Prevents Miscommunication
Many times, sexual satisfaction decreases because partner(s) aren’t communicating what is challenging for them within their sex life. Having regular discussions around your sex life creates an environment where sharing difficult experiences, including unment expectations or pain points, can be expressed openly and honestly.
3. Increases Sexual Satisfaction
Studies have shown that talking about your sex life increases sexual satisfaction - so why aren’t we doing it more? Talking about your sex life is a skill, so even if it feels clunky now, the more you do it the easier it becomes, and the more sexual satisfaction you can access.
4. Deepens Emotional Connection
Expressing vulnerabilities and desires within your partnership helps deepen your emotional connection. Feeling even more connected and safe with your partner allows for a more relaxed and trustworthy relational environment, which can lead to even more satisfying sex.
Now that we agree that it’s important to have the discussion - how do you get it started?
Having a conversation about sex with your partner(s) can be vulnerable, and that's okay. I always encourage people to have this conversation outside of the bedroom, with your clothes on and in a neutral space - because there’s no need to be doubly naked.
Going into the conversation, I want you to reflect on the following:
What do I want to walk away from this conversation with? How might my sex life / approach to my sex life have changed?
How can I express my desires in “I statements”? “I statements” use the format of “I feel [fill in the blank] when [fill in the blank] happens, can we try [fill in the blank]?”
Am I prepared to take responsibility for my part in our sexual dynamic?
Before you dive right in, let your partner know that you'd like to have a conversation that feels important to you, and make sure they have the time and space to engage with you. If they're distracted, working, or hungry, the conversation will be a lot harder! This might mean planning the conversation for a later time.
Once you are both feeling ready, here are four questions to get the conversation started:
What do you enjoy about the sex that we have?
What do you want more of in our sex life?
What would you like less of in our sex life?
What is something you are looking forward to when it comes to our sex life?
Remember that this is a discussion, so everyone involved should be able to have their voices heard. If you or your partner(s) express that you’d like something to change about your sex life, try your best to approach it as a gift rather than a personal affront. Isn’t it better to meet your partners’ needs (or get your needs met) rather than continuing to have unsatisfying sex?
Another important note is that expressing desire is not a demand for change; someone can share that they would like pizza for dinner more often, but that does not mean that has to happen. These conversations can be tricky, but they get so much easier with time and practice. Ultimately, I want everyone to remember that we all deserve a satisfying, yummy sex life - and that might mean navigating some challenging conversations to get there.