How to keep fucking when the world is fucking you

A little something for all of us right now.

The past 11 days have been incredibly difficult, somehow even more than many of us had anticipated. There are a barrage of headlines, clawing at us from inside our screens, each one hoping to reach its goal of forcing us to stop living and start dreading.

Well, they got us.

I’ve definitely had moments of feeling paralyzed by the sheer amount of awful things happening outside of my control.

But I beg of you, of all of us - please don’t stay stuck.

If we spend the next 4 years attached to our screens, locked into the misery that this administration wants us to feel, they will have won. And I know we all have lives outside of the headlines; yes, lives directly impacted by the headlines, and we are still living, breathing, shitting creatures. We have jobs, relationships, and plants to tend to. And if we stop everything, we will only be making our own lives worse.

I’m not here to detail how to rise up or create coalitions; that’s not my expertise.

However, I can absolutely tell you how to keep fucking while the world is fucking you.

Sex is an act of liberation. Queer sex is definitively an act of revolution. This administration wants to squeeze every last ounce of pleasure from our lives, so let’s reclaim it by having really good sex.

Sex is a sacred space. It can be the place we go for hope, the place we go for community, the place we remember that we are alive. Please do not forget that you are a part of this world.

The dread reminds us that we are alive, and sex reminds us that life is worth living.

Do not forget that.

Humans do not survive catastrophe by giving in to hopelessness, even though it might feel very tantalizing in this particular moment. I’ve spent the last two weeks speaking to increasingly hopeless clients, each upset (reasonably!) at the onslaught of violence they are watching unfold in front of their eyes. And many don’t know what to do about it.

While sitting with my clients and our collective grief, I remembered a Buddhist teaching about two arrows.

Imagine that you are out walking in a forest when you are suddenly struck by an arrow. It’s extremely painful (obviously) and you start bleeding heavily. Then you begin to panic, thoughts racing through your head: “Where did this arrow come from? Wtf? What did I do to deserve this? How will I let anyone know? (Of course I left my phone at home.) Am I going to survive??”

The Buddha teaches that the first arrow is inevitable, and much of the time outside of our control; but the second arrow is our reaction to it. The first arrow brings pain, but the second arrow brings suffering. We cannot control our experience of pain; life is inherently a deeply painful thing. However, we can control our response to pain and if we fall into suffering. Don’t misunderstand me - I want you to acknowledge the pain. Feel it. Sit with it. That first arrow hurt like a bitch. But don’t also hit yourself with a second arrow - that is within your control.

So, what does this have to do with fucking?

Well, the first arrow is this current administration. It’s the shit we see as we doomscroll. Feel the pain. Acknowledge the shit. The first arrow is inevitable. The second arrow is your state of despair, your paralyzation, your hopelessness. I urge you to reclaim your power by releasing that second arrow. And one of the best ways I know how to do that is to encourage you to start having some great sex. Hell, have some mediocre sex! But don’t co-sign your joy away to the people who want to take it from you.

It’s important to note that there are potentially a lot of first arrows being thrown at you. That’s not your fault, whatsoever. It’s outside of our control, and it’s okay to be deeply sad about this painful reality. I want you to feel the sadness, but don’t live in it. Invite the sadness in for tea, but don’t let it remodel your entire home. That’s how we choose to release the second arrow.

This is the time to lean into your community. Lean into your partners. Lean into delicious solo sex. Your body - your pleasure - is an act of resistance. It is a place to find hopefulness, and meaning. I urge you to put your phone down, and ground in the physicality of you and your partner’s skin. You don’t need to find your sexual desire, because it might not be around right now; that’s okay. Simply focus on the connection between two (or more) humans - the earthliness and pleasure that can be found in this exact moment.

If we can manage to find meaning within the pain, intertwining hope with our limbs and the bedsheets; that is what will keep us going.

And they can’t ever take that away from us.